The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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