we're blogging at a bar
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
