Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
