Im at strip club and am horny
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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