So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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