3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
did i just pee glitter
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
