can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
even my farts smell like vagina
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
