Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
