oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
