wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
