Screwed.edu
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
vagina is talking i cant
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
