Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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