the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
