He told me they were just razor bumps!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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