she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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