I met the friendliest cop last night
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
