apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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