On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
