theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
