Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
