he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.