Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
