Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
