his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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