I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
