AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
