I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
