I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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