this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
