I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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