i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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