So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
