I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's Friday. Sex?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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