shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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