absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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