and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
