The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
