um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
