just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
