also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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