in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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