How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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