I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
