Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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