anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
