omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
