My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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