I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
