Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
