I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
