I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
