What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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