just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
