You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
