why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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