I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
