I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
